The Daytona 500 for the Clueless

This is what happens when you invite me to your house and provide me with food.


I’ve discovered that I enjoy watching sports I know little to nothing about, and my annual tradition of watching the Daytona 500 while stuffing my face was a rather enjoyable experience.

Disclaimer – NASCAR to me is just a bunch of cars driving around at a zillion miles an hour in a circle. I know it’s a lot harder and more complicated than that. I feel like it must be really hot in the car, and I’ve never noticed a cup holder in there so I give those guys a lot of credit. Plus, I like any sporting event that involves food, so I was in. Wanna read a real rundown? Go here. I’ll wait.

I knew I was in trouble when Dale Earnhardt Jr. appeared to announce the race. I thought it was Blake Shelton, and then I thought maybe Tim Tebow was sick. Then I thought it was someone who I work with, and then I realized Dale Earnhardt Jr. is just a really non-descript looking guy. I was clueless.

This is Dale this is Dale this is Dale – sorry, just trying to remind myself what he looks like.

Charlize Theron was there to wave the green flag, and I was proud that I knew her. But she’s not a racer, so I digress.

Also, Aaron Rodgers was there to support his girlfriend, Danica Patrick, who was taking part in her last race before retirement. As soon as she came on the screen, everyone started complaining. “If she weren’t a woman, we wouldn’t even be hearing about it being her last race.”

Let me tell you something. I’m not a fan of Danica Patrick. I am, however, a fan of watching women throw a big rusty wrench in the status quo. So for that, congratulations Danica! You made insecure men all across America squirm in their seats one last time. I mean hey, how many of them got to race in the Daytona 500?

She likes dogs. She’s ok with me.


The Race

A bunch of cars drove around. A lot. Multiple times. Close to the end of the first stage, there was a gigantic crash. It was great because my stepson called it. Half the people in the room lost their minds. Some of their drivers were out within 40 laps. The beer began flowing even more as my friends were only concerned with drowning their sorrows. The race was beginning to lose its shine.

After cleaning up the wreck, they drove around some more. Then there was another wreck that took out like 60 cars. It was amazing. Our girl Danica got knocked out, which kind of sucked for her. Who wants to crash during their last race? All of the men in the room started beating their chests and tried to light a bunch of stuff on fire in celebration. Anyway, they cleaned all of those cars up, and then they went on to the last stage.

Amazingly, the cars continued to drive around in a circle. Cars zoomed in and out. Can I mention here how cool it sounds when all of the cars zip by? That was probably the best part of the whole thing. And yet, another wreck. Wow. The amount of bodywork that will need to be completed in the coming weeks is astounding.

At the end of the race, Austin Dillion, probably one of the remaining 2.5 cars left on the track won the day. How much does it suck for all of those drivers who thought maybe they had a chance to win the Daytona 500 and ended up not even being able to beat a field of like half the drivers? Congrats Austin, you got super lucky!

The gas pedal is on the right! YYYYEEAAAAHHHH