How Celery Juice Can Save the Donald Trump Presidency

Desperate times call for desperate measures. How Donald Trump can steal the show, and the election, by bringing in celery juice


As touched upon in this space earlier this week, Donald Trump needs a game-changing breakthrough for him to be re-elected President.  One of things that we alluded too was a huge foreign policy victory.  But how even that might not have the effect that Team Trump would be looking for.

Sure enough, after a historic Middle East peace orchestrated by Jared Kushner, Trump received almost no bumps in any of the polls and still remains a +110 underdog to Joe Biden (-130) according to

As stated Monday, too many individuals and collective voting blocs have already made up their mind that even achievements of historic scale will not move any camps that are firmly entrenched in their beliefs and opinions.

Trump needs a new strategy: Go after disaffected voters.


Bring in the celery juice.  Yes, celery juice.

Celery juice has taken over the wellness world by storm over the last two years.  Celery juice has been dubbed “the most powerful medicine of our time” by its originator, Anthony William.  It supposedly is a natural anti-viral and anti-bacterial, with many utilizing the elixir to reverse the worst conditions.  Its biggest proponents aren’t just a few fringe blogs and random Instagram pages — they’re actually some of the President’s biggest and most vocal detractors such as Debra Messing and Robert DeNiro.

But it’s not the Hollywood elite that Trump needs, it’s those aforementioned disaffected voters.  Trump can appeal to them by pushing celery juice and other natural remedies during a pandemic.

Contrary to popular belief, disaffected voters actually represent the largest bloc — nearly half the country chooses not to bother voting.  Many feel both political parties aren’t as representative of them as they’d want.  Some even believe that politicians are in cahoots with a financial elite, preying on the average American.

For one, many spiritual and wellness experts believe that pharmaceutical companies take advantage of a sick populace.  A healthier people devouring celery juice would heal them while also lessening the burden on the current healthcare system, as well as both local and federal deficits they believe.

Trump taps into this, but only feigns doing so.  That may have been the deciding factor as to why he was able to score an upset victory in the 2016 election over the heavily favored Hillary Clinton.  He still dresses himself as anti-establishment, working behind the scenes to expose the men behind the curtain.  Every now and then, he’ll throw a bone to that crowd by saying the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud.

However, almost every one of his policies has been in lockstep with prior Administrations.  Recently, on an interview with Fox & Friends, he stated he wanted to assassinate Bashar al-Assad in 2018, the democratically elected president of Syria — something that would have set off World War III.

In our new era of minimal attention spans, that absurd and potentially earth-destroying remark could be lost in a new stream of tweets.  He’s even got friends over at FOX to begin a new narrative heading into October