Post Malone is Ruining Everything

Column: Why Post Malone is everything that's wrong with music.

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Guys. It’s been about two months since I posted last. I’m sorry. It’s just that with school and trying to get everything together, I kind of lost track of time. But fear not! I’m back, and I have something to say. I hate Post Malone.

Post Malone is ruining everything. Yep. He even ruined names, because we all know Post (oh my God shut up I know it’s his last name, I read Wikipedia) isn’t a first name. And he ruined tattoos by getting them on his face. Barbed wire on his hairline. WTF? You sir, are an idiot. By the way, if you’re always tired now, wait until you turn thirty. “Always tired” will take on a whole new meaning.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHY

Last week I had some downtime so I hate watched Post Malone videos for about a half hour. I was actually amazed by how many of his songs had previously assaulted my ears prior to my hate watching session. Then I watched him respond to comments on one of his YouTube videos, and I almost felt bad for him, because he is like twelve years old. But then I remembered that he hangs out with Justin Beiber, and I went back to hating him.

You see, Posty, as he refers to himself (see photo above), is everything that’s wrong with music (and possibly the world) today. I know I sound like Grandma Ethel, but I truly cannot understand one word the guy says. I read the lyrics to “Psycho” and the only word I understood while listening was “Ay!” Never a good sign. Plus, his music is just lazy. Like it sounds like a hot Alabama afternoon when your sweat starts sweating because it’s unbearable outside.

This dude is getting way too much play. I can’t sit in my car during my twenty minute drive to work without hearing at least 2,467 Post Malone songs. This madness has to end!

Also, is it just me, or does he look like he smells really bad? Why is he wearing a grill? Didn’t that go out of style in the early 2000s? What’s with the hair? Why have gross bangs matted down to your head? Why am I putting this much thought into Post Malone’s hair?

I will give him one thing. It’s nice to see that a kid actually followed through on his dreams. I mean, when I look at this young man, I could scarcely begin to imagine the monstrosity he would become.

Why change this? You were fine.

Look, I actually believe that there IS talent here. That’s why he makes me so angry. You don’t get to be a star by the age of twentyish if you really, really suck. There are thousands of kids out there on YouTube trying to make it, and he actually did because there is a unique quality there. So good for him. But also, please start making better music.

And Posty, if you read this, stay outta my Ghost Adventures, ok? That’s what really spurred this on – sitting down to watch my favorite show and hearing Zak say he was going to call him Ghost Malone. Woof. Although I do have to say, he fit in pretty well amongst the bros of Ghost Adventures. And it was pretty funny to see Zak fangirling all over him.

But otherwise, get down, Post! Bad Post Malone!

You broke my heart, Zak.

PS – If you love Post Malone, feel free to convince me why I should too!