Wrestlemania 34: An Evening of Weirdos

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Well folks, Wrestlemania 34 has come and gone. Overall, I actually thought it was pretty entertaining. I didn’t watch the preshow and I missed the first match. I think I was putting my sheets on my bed or something. Anyway, this isn’t a recap, it’s just my impressions. If you want a recap, go somewhere else.

SmackDown Women’s Championship

The first match I watched was Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka. Listen. These ladies totally stole the show. Their athleticism was on full display, as both ladies clearly brought every ounce of everything they had. This match had blood and tears. It was really spectacular. A few things:

  1. I need their manicurist. I can’t even go a day doing normal stuff without a chip. They threw each other around and they were still on point;
  2. I can’t vacuum without having my hair in a ponytail, and these ladies were seriously undeterred by their flying locks;
  3. It was nice to see them hug it out in the end, and bless Asuka for giving her best effort when she took the mic;
  4. Figure 8 leg lock with one arm by Charlotte for the win as her other arm gushed blood. Holy Hannah! Also, Asuka’s entrance is pretty damn magical. She’s such a weirdo.
Strange duck.

United States Championship

I love how the WWE is just coming up with random, stupid names for its championships now. Remember when there was only one belt to win? I think I was five then. Anyway, Randy Orton looked like a loser when he made his entrance. We all knew it was over for him. Jinder Mahal came out of nowhere and really put on a show. As WWE expands its shores, international wrestlers will be making their way in, which is pretty exciting as I guess the last several years it’s been the same people over and over again. It reminds me of old school WWE when you had a bunch of white people pretending to be different nationalities, except this time it’s real representation of the actual nationality. Novel.

Ronda Rousey!

A couple years ago, when Ronda was in her prime UFC fighting days, she did a t-shirt fundraiser to help raise money for women with body issues. I bought the tee, and she ended up getting whipped to oblivion. My husband bought my a Rowdy Ronda Rousey tee for Easter, so I assumed she was going to lose. How wrong I was. She brought her all to Wrestlemania.

This match between Ronda/Kurt Angle and Triple H/Steph McMahon was pretty great. I loved the old school tag match, the dirtiness on the part of the villains, and the way they were able to get the crowd going. Ronda was pretty awesome, I have to say. She was super aggressive, and even went after Triple H. A highlight was when she slapped him into the corner, and his girly freak out was pretty hilarious.

Then she picked him up. Like up on her shoulders. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if she gave him an F5. Sadly, that did not happen, but she was still victorious after getting Steph to submit. PS, Steph saying, “I’m sorry,” to Ronda as she twisted her arm was classic. Clearly Ronda and I subscribe to the same theory that hair must be restrained when undertaking any kind of physical activity, and I appreciate that.

Other Stuff

I cannot even with this dude.

The Bludgeon Brothers have my new favorite tag team name. It has quite the ring to it, no? They won, which was cool, because I like their name. Also, Elias makes me cry with laughter, because he looks like he shops at Justice. Seriously. It’s hilarious but also becomes painful when you couple that with The Undertaker’s three hour long entrance. It took 40 minutes for him to slap Cena and pin him. Unreal. Then Daniel Bryan rose from his stretcher and won, I don’t know. I was bored by then. Listen, I know people need time to get up to go to the bathroom and stuff, but c’mon WWE, stop throwing in these useless fillers, especially in something like Wrestlemania. This show easily could have been cut down by an hour.

Nia Jax

Look. I love her, ok? She is amazing and tall and big, and she will destroy you. And this is why I like her. She owns her body and is confident, and I love this. Because women have been fed lifetimes of garbage about their physical appearances, and any big girl who owns her largeness is a girl I love. I took pleasure in watching her beat the snot out of that scrawny witch Alexa Bliss, because making fun of someone’s appearance and body shaming another woman is worthy of a beating, period. And I know it’s a story line but there are millions of women who live with shame every day, and it makes me furious. I want to be friends with Nia and eat french fries with her and maybe also punch someone in the throat with her.

AJ STYLES

This man has hair. It’s really nice. And I enjoyed how Nakamura came out to a full on band with like 800 drummers and when AJ came out, they didn’t even let one drummer stay on their kit. Hilarious.

This is what a perfect blowout looks like. Don’t be jelly.

Anyway, I have no idea what happened in this match. AJ won. And then Shinsuke got down on one knee to hand him his title. And then he uppercut AJ’s junk. Yep. You read that right. I also think he kicked AJ in the head at least 263 times. Not gonna lie, kind of shocking. I didn’t like that move for Shinsuke as I think he’s supposed to be fun and zany and not a low-blower, but alas, this is why I’m writing blogs and the McMahon’s are rolling in wads of fat cash. I guess there were like 78,000 people at the Superdome, plus when you add in all of the people who paid to watch at home, well let’s just say that it adds up to a whole heck of a lot.

So yeah, pretty much after that I went to bed. I know. Apparently I missed nothing. Plus, I’m afraid of Brock Lesner, so looking at him before bed would have yielded a million nightmares that no one needs to have, especially on a Sunday night. Wrestlemania was pretty good and entertaining, but I can tell you that the shtick keeps getting more and more strange and over the top. I can’t wait to see what kind of weird stuff they trot out for Summer Slam!