The time has come for me to emerge from my hibernation to break down the most ridiculously masculine thing on the planet – WWE and Wrestlemania. Why am I saying this? Because women would have all of the wrestlers dressed in very nice clothes while putting together succulent terrariums and sampling various dips from tapas plates if we had our way. Imagine Brock Lesnar carefully setting an air plant into a tiny glass orb while wearing a light blue cardigan and some khakis while sipping spiked lemonade from a mason jar. See where I’m going with this?
PS – This isn’t a real review.
Anyway, the annual sausage fest commenced at my house at around 7 p.m. I enjoyed the conversation, which consisted of their list of concerns over pacing of the show, who was the better fake puncher, etc. Alexa Bliss started the show after being relegated to announcer, and Hulk Hogan aggravated everyone. Am I the only person who thinks it’s odd that he wears a feather boa?
The first match was surprisingly Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar. Brock wanted to go first because he knew there was an amazing craft table set up in the back, and he just wanted to get the fight out of the way. At one point Rollins was thrown into a table and the sign fell next to him, and a huge Snickers bar ad was right above him, and I thought this is the weirdest Snickers commercial I’ve ever seen. I halfway expected Seth to pop up while eating a Snickers and turn into Mick Foley. The buzz has been that Lesnar wants to go back to ACTUALLY punching someone in the UFC, so naturally he laid down in the middle of the ring and Rollins won. I have the feeling we won’t be seeing Brock for a long time.
VIDAL SASSOON IN THE HOUSE
AJ Styles and Randy Orton were next. Is his last name Styles because of his amazing hair? I have to give this dude credit for essentially being my age and giving it 100% every time he’s in the ring. He’s super dramatic and I enjoy it, even though I’m pretty sure I spent the entire match scrolling through recipes on my phone. Styles took Orton down for the win. The Viper was smooshed.
The SmackDown Tag Team Championship was next, and I really tuned out at this point. These four way matches are really dumb. Why have four teams if one of them spends the entire match lying on the ground, not doing anything? So stupid. Also, I hate that Shinsuke, who is probably the most interesting wrestler, has been reduced to literally doing nothing. Shame on you, WWE! I guess the Usos won. Who cares.
I’ve got to tell you. In the realm of fake fighting, the choreographed chaos of The Miz vs. Shane McMahon was pretty spectacular. The Miz’s dad adorably tried to fight Shane McMahon which ended up with him getting stomped in the corner of the ring. After that, the fight was moved throughout the stadium to several spots, which was pretty cool to watch. The final move, which was a suplex off of scaffolding that was pretty high up, actually made me cringe. Yes, it’s fake, but falling off of something that high is dangerous. Someone could actually get hurt instead of getting fake slapped! McMahon laid motionless on top of The Miz, who also laid motionless, and the ref counted to three, and the match was over because falls counted anywhere. Ridiculous. Probably one of the most entertaining Wrestlemania matches I’ve seen.
Next match was a shrill scream fest, another four way tag team match between four female teams. It was awful. Honestly. I am really glad that female wrestlers are more than lingerie models in the WWE these days, but the screechy yammering of the Ilconics, who won, was pretty terrible and annoying. I enjoyed the one lady’s Maleficent inspired look. That was pretty much it.
MOST HYPED MATCHES
Luckily for humanity, the following match was Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan. This match has been hyped like no other. A few weeks ago I went with my hubs and son to the local SmackDown show and Daniel Bryan talked for 45 minutes about Kofi Kingston, and it was annoying and terrible. I really wanted Kofi to win just so that Daniel Bryan would shut up. Although now he’s probably going to talk endlessly because he lost. The guys thought maybe the rest of The New Day were going to turn, but those men need to sell their Booty O’s and who wants Booty O’s when you hate two of the three guys on the box? Daniel Bryan put Kofi in like 800 submissions, even going with the old school Boston Crab which I think I saw last in 1986. Kofi finished Bryan off and had the cutest celebration in the middle of the ring with his two kids. So sweet!
I can’t remember what I did for the next two matches, but nothing, nothing, could prepare me for what I was about to see next. I wasn’t ready for it. First of all, Elias is a hidden treasure and you should all thank God that he exists. He’s so great. I loved watching his sausage fingers tickle the ivories. I was impressed. But then, John Cena had to come out and ruin everything. Guys….what? He threw pistachios at him and talked about his junk and I was horrified. Someone needed to spray Cena with a watergun and tell him to get down because he was a BAD CENA.
Then, Batista came out in the back of a Lincoln SUV and tried to walk around like he was hard, which was hilarious. Triple H also pretended that he would last more than 5 seconds in the apocalypse. The spitting water everywhere is really terrible. And this was where I started to fade, folks. I tried, I really, really did. Apparently I missed Triple H go all Tyson as he ripped Batista’s nose ring out with pliers, which is pretty great actually. Clearly these dudes don’t need to wrestle because they both have enough money not to, but good for them for giving their all. Bonus Ric Flair.
I missed Kurt Angle’s theme, which is my all time favorite, and something that I sing in my head every time someone annoys me. Also, can someone tell me what Baron Corbin’s gimmick is? Is in incel? I can’t tell. His clothes are weird and make no sense. I don’t like him. Anyway, Kurt appeared in his last Wrestlemania and he lost to a guy who wears dress pants in the ring, which is weird.
THE MAIN EVENT
By this point, I was watching the back of my eyelids. I was really mad too, because I thought it was amazing that women were headlining the show. Like, this is a big deal guys. Ronda, who is ready to step away from the ring, Charlotte, who is absolutely tough as all get out, and Becky, who is clearly being pushed, all tussling for a shot at having both women’s championship belts. We all knew Becky was going to win, and she did. That being said, I hope they take Charlotte to a Cersei dark queen moment because that would be AMAZING.
Hey WWE, stop running these shows until after midnight. There’s no need! So much garbage and filler, matches that run way too long, and awful four way tag matches need to go. Start the show earlier or cap it at 11. Some of us have to work, you know!