WWE Royal Rumble’s Cast of Characters

Ever wondered what someone who doesn't really watch the WWE thinks of the WWE?

627
0
SHARE

For decades, the world has watched as a bunch of grown men in underwear and costumes fake punch, slap, and kick each other on their way to false victory. The best part of all of this is that lots of people think that the WWE is cool – really cool. In fact it’s so cool that Grandpa Vince is bringing the XFL back! Yippee!

Anyway, unless you live under a rock or don’t have the fortune of having an 11 year-old boy in your life, the yearly spectacle that is the WWE Royal Rumble was last night. And for the first time ever, there was an all-female wrestler rumble that was really boring until Nia Jax showed up.

There are plenty of places where you can go to get a match by match recap. This is not one of those posts. These are just my observations on the evening, so there you go.

THE BIG SHOW

Not Paul Wight. The show. The Royal Rumble itself. I didn’t watch the pre-show, so I can’t help you with those matches. But I can tell you that AJ Styles did not get his last name by accident. That man uses styling cream for sure, as his blowout is a million times better than any I have ever had. I mean c’mon, this is how he looked DURING the match. AMAZING!

AJ, hit me up with your stylist’s number. And yeah I took this off the tv. So what?

Styles won the handicapped match, and there was some kind of problem that led to the other guys fake complaining about the fake results of the fake match. Shane McMahon was there to listen to the sob fest. Pretty typical.

The Usos won a best of three tag team match, which I thought would surely go for three rounds, but only went for two. Probably the most shocking development of the evening.

PANCAKES?!?!

And then, it was the all male Royal Rumble. I’ve got to be honest, I didn’t know half of these people, but the highlight of the entire evening came for me pretty early on when Health Slater got repeatedly hit by several entrants after Baron Corbin took all of his frustrations out on him. I mean, I will remember Baron Corbin after his display of disregard for an innocent rumble entrant. So that’s good for him I guess.

Also, Elias is pretty great too. As my friend described, he looks like he’s wearing granny’s curtains around his neck. I’m also pretty sure that every single woman has dated a guy who looks, acts, and dresses exactly like him. It’s kind of great.

Somehow there were pancakes involved in the Royal Rumble, and I’m not really sure why, but I didn’t hate it. I felt like it had to be super humiliating to not only be disqualified from the event, but also to land on a pile of pancakes on your way out. Kofi Kingston used them to stave off elimination (and possibly even hunger), so good for him!

So here’s the deal. I am a casual observer as this stuff is on in my house. I know a few people, John Cena and Roman Reigns being two of them. Word on the street (or social media), was that Reigns was being given the Rumble. He would most assuredly be the winner and move on to WrestleMania.

But in comes this dude – Shinsuke Nakamura.

The future of wrestling.

I don’t know how to describe this man. He is crazy athletic, makes weird faces, has a pretty cool intro theme, and screams for no reason. He also looks like the type of guy one would try to mess with when drunk, but then he would take you outside and beat the life out of you.

Shinsuke pointed to his own crotch a dozen times and then threw Reigns right out of the ring. He’ll be facing AJ Styles in Wrestlemania, which will probably be moderately entertaining.

It was about this time when I started to fade. I heard I missed Brock Lesnar break tables that weren’t even in the arena. I guess people think Braun Strowman should have won but I don’t even know who he is, so I can’t back them up on that one. Also, there was some other tag team match that involved a lot of fake beatings.

THE MAIN EVENT

Then, it was finally time for the all-female Royal Rumble. Women’s wrestler has gone through a few interesting transitions, and this is probably the most legitimate it has been since it first started. These ladies are not Barbie dolls pulling each other’s hair. The newer crew are athletic, agile, and from what I can tell, completely crazy.

It was very cool to see the various generations of female wrestlers coming together in the ring. Lita, Michelle McCool, and Jacqueline coming toe to toe with Sasha Banks, Nia Jax, and Ember Moon was impressive. And to see how well these ladies were able to hold their own in their advancing age made me feel like maybe one day I too can fake punch someone.

Asuka won, which I figured because she is one of the few wrestlers I know, and for me to know her is impressive in its own right as that means she’s being pushed. Rhonda Rousy showed up at the end dressed like Rowdy Roddy Piper, which was pretty cute. She pointed at the WrestleMania sign for hours, which I think is all you have to do in order to be included in it.

Rhonda Rousey royal rumble

I’m not going to lie. I found this year’s show to be a little boring. My favorite part was the KFC Royal Rumble where Ric Flair took the proverbial crown as is the new KFC Colonel, even though he’s not because it’s Reba McIntyre? Which is a real sentence I just wrote.

At the end of the day, the WWE is a part of our lives because it reminds us of being kids. Every Saturday morning my older brother and I watched and lived and died by our heroes. We loved the theater and the drama of the struggle between good and evil. It’s classic, and this is why it’s still so popular today.